I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
