you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
