Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
