He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
