I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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