Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
