im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
