she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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