Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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