omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
