I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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