I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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