no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
