Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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