Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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