You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
