Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
