So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
