You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
