I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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