Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
