Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
