So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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