Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
