so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
