Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
