i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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