u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
