We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
