What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
