I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
