I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
