Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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