how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
