if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
