Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
