I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
