I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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