barbara walters just said penis...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
