Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
