highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
