I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
