I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
