Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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