you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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