I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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