Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
