I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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