He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
