If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
